An Apology... and an Explanation

Hello everyone.

I know I've not been around for a long time. 6.5 months, having checked my last posting date. This post is, hopefully, going to serve as something of an apology and an explanation for my whereabouts. I know some of you tried to contact me and were worried and I'm so, so sorry for being incommunicado. There isn't a rational explanation so I'll give you the irrational one.

I've never had a depression diagnosis, although I probably should have had over the years. I work on about a 3-5 year cycle whereby I'm perfectly fine for most of that period and then I just disappear. This always coincides with some kind of major change in my life. Usually the change is happy news (mad I know!) Last time it was moving in with my ex-partner. This time it was my pregnancy. I generally respond to one of my episodes by closing myself off completely from people, including close friends and family. In the past I've gone nearly six months without speaking to my Mum (I wasn't living locally at the time but this is a bit crazy as we are very close usually). I know I worry people and I hate that but it is really the only way I can get through it when it happens. These episodes have cost me some really close friends over the years, and yet I keep doing it. Completely irrational. This time my blogging, Twitter and Facebook 'life' took the brunt of this episode. I literally didn't turn on a computer for a few months and then I could only cope with Facebook. I couldn't even read my e mails or anyone else's blogs and this was something that had given me so much pleasure. This wasn't helped by someone, I don't know who as they were hiding behind their Twitter handle, sending me some really unpleasant and horrible DMs. I have my suspicions as to their identity and it is someone who is close to someone I know in real life They upset me so much and I simply shut down my Twitter account and haven't been back since. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone on there. This is something I intend to remedy though as I've missed it so much.

My pregnancy was awful this time around. I had horrible sickness for the first few months and then SPD kicked in and I was in constant pain, not helped by the refusal of my Midwives to take me seriously and give me a referral on the grounds that I could walk to the Children's Centre for my appointments! My pelvis is on the mend but the assertion that the Midwives made that it would disappear 'as soon as baby arrives' was incorrect! I was also severely anaemic this time. Getting out of bed was a struggle some days and having an energetic two year old to run around after didn't help!

My beautiful baby girl was born on 6th September and, since about three days after her birth, I feel great. I've found myself again. The aftermath of her birth was quite traumatic (I'll post her birth story soon) and I had to have a blood transfusion but I'm feeling great now. I've been reading, and loving your blog posts again and dying to comment but I felt I needed to explain myself first.

I've missed blogging so much, I felt like I'd found a way to be myself. I'm gutted I shut down when I did as I had so many good intentions to blog my pregnancy and have a wonderful record to look back on. Instead I'm going to start over and blog our family life from this point onwards. I'm looking forward to it. I can't promise I won't disappear again, like I said my cycle works on about a 3-5 year pattern, but I have no intention to go anywhere anytime soon.

Thanks for reading.